I Am Not Going Insane... I Am Not Going Insane... I Am Not Going Insane

If I say it long enough, it'll be true... so I hope.

Do I Need to be Married???

I was talking to a friend the other day about marriage. She told me that she wanted to be married. She didn't need it, but wanted it. Now she is the kind of gal who will not say the word "got" because, and these are her words, btw, 'you don't got anything. You recieve something or you may have it, but you don't got anything.' She is a very literal person and her words are very carefully chosen. So... my curiousity grew and I had to ask. You don't need to be married? Nope she said. Then she explained. Marriage is a device in life that some people can live with or without. The trick to keeping a marriage going to make sure the other person can't live without you, making them feel like they are appreciated in the marriage and that you too can't live without them. She continued... I make good money, I don't need his. I know how to budget, so I don't need him to do finances. I don't need sex but I enjoy it. So why do you need marriage? Because he keeps my head level, he helps me keep my common sense about me. He tells me thank you for the little and big things I do. And in return I tend to his every need, his laundry, his children, his bills and let him go out without nagging him to death about when is he going to come home and help me.

He appreciates her and she loves him for that. Now... to me that's a working marriage. That's when I look at my own marriage and ask... do I need to be married? No... he has given me grief, never pleasure over the last year. Before then, still it was no. He didn't give me grief, but he never told me thank you for what I did. He never appreciated what I gave to the family, but expected more. And when I needed help or something done, I not only had to ask many times, not getting it that way I would have to cry... yell or get angry. Then I turned into a negative person... Not good. And I have often said that I didn't like that part of me. I don't ever want to see that side of me.

So essentially looking at marriage as a whole, she is right and I have no marriage that I need or want. The decision was made and will be kept to move on.

The Game of Chess

If there is one thing I have learned from my life this last year it's how to play the game of chess. It's stragety game, one that takes sometime to play out in your mind so you make the right move. Sometimes you lose pieces, sometimes you sacrifice pieces to win a better situation. Chess is often times a game you have to play out in it entirity in your head from just one move. Such is the way with my life. I have learned that my silence was a bad move. Over time I have learned that I can use it to benefit me. Sacrficing came when I let Ariel go out to Michigan. It was a move that I hold against my husband for forcing me to make and not supporting me in. But the end result will be hopefully bringing my daughter closer to me and cool her temper. I have learned to set a goal, to make a move and see how it plays out. With a game plan it makes things so much easier. I'm focused and determined. The end goal, checkmate, is my light at the end of the tunnel. Because the reality of the goal is so obtainable I already feel my peace. I know that there will be may more things that I will go through before this ends, good grief the holidays are almost upon us and that is always an emotional roller coaster. Not having my family in it's whole during Christmas will be hard and may make me even more determined to reach my goal.

So... this is my game of Chess. My bad moves were keeping silent about my feelings and the issues I had with my family this last summer. Lesson learned: speak the truth loud and often.
My sacrfice move: Letting Ariel go to Michigan. Living with my husband in which I will be losing my house and all that we have bought together through the years. I will leave everything to him except the kids & the books.
Checkmate: Leaving with my sanity, finding peace and knowing that I will be free from being hurt and treated like I not the beautiful person I know I am.

A Phone Call With Ariel

Now when you involve my uncle action is taken. He thinks with a level head and with a clear mind and when he speaks people listen. His goal was to make me happy and to help relieve my pain. He saw my tears, my frustration and he couldn't take anymore. He starts to make phone calls... the first one was to Barry. The second was to Pam. Then the third was to me.
His concern... if Ariel would run away again. He wanted to make sure that this wasn't all a waste of time. If he went out there to retrieve her he wanted to make sure that she was would be there and not prompted to leave. (At that point he told Pam that if he had to come back there and found her missing he would have authorities on one side, lawyers on the other and a lawsuit in the middle ~ he phrased it differently.) When he talked to me he told me that he was going to call Ariel and advise her to call me. At that time I needed to make sure that she came home willingly.
Ah... god... what am I going to say to a kid who hates me to persuade her that I love her and she needs to be at home with me?
So for an hour or so I struggled with what to say and concluded that when she called I would go with my feelings at the time...
Eventually Ariel called and we talked... She said that she had two things to talk to me about.
First of all she related the way she treated Aaron to me. "You know how I pick on Aaron but I don't like it when others do it?"
"Yes, it's called being siblings."
"Well, that's what happen with you."
My thoughts, my feelings, my concerns have been confirmed with that one statement. Apparently, Ariel had talked crap about me with her "Hate my mom" Club and it was okay as long as no one else said anything... now they were and she didn't like it.

At this point I started to cry... "it hurts Ariel. It hurts when people tear you down."

Her second point she wanted to say was this...
"I thought about how you would feel having me gone from you and I think you would hurt."
"Yes I would Ariel." And then I explained to her that it was like my child was dead and I couldn't hold her and help her. All I could do was talk to her. So in some ways I had it better than a parent who lost a child. But I feel pain, hurt and I'm an emotional wreck without her.

We talked for a over an hour and concluded her place was back home with me. She asked me about Barry and if it was true we were getting a divorce, I told her yes. She said she didn't care to know why but wanted me to make sure my reason was because I didn't want to deal with the issues.

Ariel called me three times that day each time her mood was better. I could sense that she was happy that I was making her coming home.
Plans were made that Nov 1 she would fly in and I would pick her up.

I'm happy... and at peace. :)

The Deal With Cleaning My House

You wouldn't think this should be such a big issue... but it is.

I was sitting here the day after cleaning my house with my cousins help taking a break from finishing up what wasn't done the day before. Folding clothes, putting them away, etc... etc... etc... The phone rings. It was Aaron out at his grandma's house wanting to say 'hi mom, I miss you.' I hear Adam in the background playing and after a few minutes talking with Aaron I ask to speak to his dad. "He's outside with grandma talking." Aaron tells me. Now I'm concern. Two adults are outside talking while my baby is inside playing. Of course I wasn't too freaked out over the situation I could hear Adam and he was alright so I kept Aaron on the phone for a good 10 to 15 minutes talking about different things. I ended the coversation a little annoyed that my husband and his mother were both outside. My thoughts were... I need to remind Barry to not leave Adam unattended like that again. It could prove to be dangerous.

Several hours passed since the phone conversation with Aaron happend and I was starting to get hungry. It was getting late and almost time for dinner so wondered if Barry was on his way home or not. I called over there and Adam was still asleep and they would be leaving in the next 30 minutes regardless, and he would pick up dinner. I could wait for a few hours more, catching a light snack to eat. No big deal. But then I spoke my peace about Adam being left behind inside with Aaron and told Barry that wasn't very wise of him.
"I was only outside for a minute." ~ He lied to me. :|
"I was on the phone with Aaron for at least 10 or more minutes."
"No I wasn't... and you talked to Aaron?" ~ okay something is up... have to ask.
"What were you and your mom talking about?"
"Nothing. She just wanted to know why you paid (my cousin) $100 for working for you yesterday."
"I didn't pay (my cousin) $100." I'm slightly annoyed. Why is this being brought up?
"How much did you pay her?"
"I paid her $50 for getting on her hands and knees with me and srubbing my kitchen floors and doing all the dusting in the house and cleaning the walls. She spent over 5 hours here helping me and she knows she has to come back on Tuesday to finish the other things." I explained to him, adding, "It was the money I saved up to buy clothes, it didn't come from the household budget." I can't believe I'm defending my actions.
"I'll let my mom know that then." :| What? What? We have to explain my actions to her?
"Excuse me?" I'm irritated now. "Why does your mother care what I do or who I pay to have help me?"
"Well, it's Ariel. She complained that you gave (my cousin) $100 to help you clean the house and you didn't buy her any clothes since she's been out there"
Okay this is about insane...
"I just talked to Ariel yesteday about a website in which I can order boots for her from. She never gave me the website so I could order them for her." Again, I'm defending myself... why do I keep doing this? "How is it your mother knows about what I gave (my cousin)yesterday?"
"Oh Pam said something this afternoon about it and they want to know your not helping out with clothing Ariel but can give money to (my cousin)" More than slightly annoyed now... "I'll go down and talk to mom about this."
"You need to let Pam know too and get this problem cleared up." I'm truly annoyed now...

I call Beth to update her with what just happened. I'm slightly irritated and need to get it off my chest. And since we are both on the same page it was easy for her to see why I was annoyed. Here's the basic problem:
Ariel and (my cousin) talk... Ariel gets upset with me and jealous that I'm giving money to (my cousin) and not her. Irritated the child turns to Pam and starts to complain. In which, Pam turns around and complains to her mother (my mother in law) who in turns complains to Barry... who questions me.
Okay... lets face some facts.
1. I'm the only legal guardian of Ariels. No one has any rights to her at all, but me. I am the only person responsible for her and her actions and I am the only one responsible legally to cloth, feed and take care of her.
2. We've asked Pam to come to us with any concerns, or needs for Ariel and not go through the mother in law for those requests.
3. Ariel is back to her old games, 'if I don't get my way, I'll talk enough trash to convince people that I'm the victim so I can get my way'.
4. My husband has no backbone when it comes to dealing with his family. He would try to pacify everyone.

So... in conclusion Beth and I decided that I need to call Pam and set the record straight. That she and I need to talk about Ariel, and not go through anyone else. But first things are first... I needed to know what Barry said to Pam.

Now this is classic... I call and get Aaron, who is out in the car with his baby brother.
"Where's dad?"
"In the house on the phone with grandmother." :|
My kids are alone again?
After 5 minutes or so I finally get to talk to Barry. I ask what he said to Pam.
"Nothing, I didn't talk to her. I talked to Ariel and explained to her that you didn't pay (my cousin) $100 it was only $50 and that I needed the website so we could send her some boots."
WHAT THE HELL???
I'm so annoyed now... I ony chatted for a second with him then called Pam immediately.
Ariel answered the phone.
Now I'm upset... these are kid games I'm dealing with and I need to knock a few heads together... lets start with the issue at hand.
This is the moment that I tell Ariel that if she has a problem to take it up with me, not anyone else but me.
"But I don't want to yell at you mom."
"That's what kids do." I explained to her. "I expect it and when you do I will deal with the situation your giving me. But don't go behind my back and demand stuff. If you want something ask me for it."
Okay... she's straighten out.
"Let me talk to Pam."
I'm upset, I raised my voice slightly with Ariel, but I didn't yell. I was firm and yet you could hear the anger in my voice. My hands were shaking I'm so upset.
I start talking to Pam were I state something to this affect:
"Pam... I am the only legal guardian for Ariel and therefore the only person responsible for her. If you need something for her, have an issue with her, or need to talk to another adult about her, you need to call me and not go through Pat (the mother in law) and Barry. We need to talk directly about Ariel's needs and not go through other people."
I don't remember exactly what she said after that, but I do remember that she asked me what my issue was... I said "Well for starters I don't think Ariel should be out there, she should be home with her family who love her."
"You love her so much that's why you've only called her twice since she's been out here?"
"In one day maybe. I called Ariel several times a week..."
"Ammm... NO... you've only called her twice and her father hasn't called her at all." That was so untrue, but I knew that she was gathering her information from Ariel.
I chuckled. This was high school stuff. I have no time for it.
"I want my daughter back home."
"Then you come and get her." She hung up on me.
Now I never mentioned how rude and snippy she was with me. Her voice was condensending and she was on the offensive side. I'm more than angry now... and mixed feelings start to stir.
I immediatly call Barry and voice my 'loving' thoughts about his sister and then hung up. Then I start to rant... and rave... and yell... and vent...and cry... but that's another blog entry.

Cleaning Day

I had to laugh at this...

I woke up fairly early this morning. Chatted online with a few friends after I took a shower, and feed the horses. Went shopping for cleaning supplies, picked up my cousin to help me clean the house. Now this isn't a small house, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, livingroom, dining room and a kitchen. With help it still wasn't any easy task. We didn't clean the ceiling fans and didn't wipe down all the doors. But the dusting was done in each room, all the windows cleaned on the inside, both bathrooms spotless and germ free, beds striped and bedding washed, floors vacuumed and mopped, all dusting done... books cleaned and their cases (there's about 5 in the house), TV wiped down, cabinets taken care (dust free), counters cleaned in the kitchen, stove wiped down, dishes done and put away... I even scrubbed on my hands and knees the kitchen floor and then waxed it. I also went through some stuff and either threw it out or stored it away... I hate clutter. Anyways, it was a full day. Very tiring!!! And my wrists hurt from scrubbing. And my eyes burned from the fumes. It was a taxing day.
Well, later that night after I dropped off my cousin (and paid her for her help) I bought dinner, no desire to cook when I've been cleaning all day. I thought I would call my husband to find out how the kids were doing. I really do miss my holy terror and Aaron... So I talk to Barry and I told him that I forgot the dog food... not like I didn't do a million other things today... anyways, I give him the run down of what we did, not nearly to the extent of what I said here. I would have lost him after the second thing. He asked me, after a minute, why I hadn't gone grocery shopping. :|

I Yelled...

Now there are days when I raise my voice and am firm. Very few times in my life have I ever yelled out of anger. When my husband got home... I yelled.
I told him that I was tired of being treated like crap by his family and mine (meaning him and Ariel). I was tired of him not supporting me as his wife. And I wanted my daughter back.
The last thing he kind of swirmed about and I could see that my fight was on...
"I see it as this... she was adducted by you and your family. If I don't have her back by the end of this week then I'm putting someone in jail starting with his sister back east for taking her in and signing her up for school."
He didn't even flinch...
"And I want you out."
"Why? What did I do?"
"You let your family tear me down. You tore me down with my daughter. And you never listen to me about sending her out there. You don't support me and I'm done. I don't need this in my life. I want my daughter back and you gone."

It was about an hour, I didn't yell that long but I did say my peace as loud as I could, it was an hour and he was gone.

The Feeling of Despair

According to the website:
http://www.selfknowledge.com/25368.htm
Despair means...

Dictionary Information: Definition Despair
Thesaurus: Despair
Description and Meaning: Despair
Despair (De*spair") (?), v. i.
[imp. & p. p. Despaired (?); p. pr. & vb. n. Despairing.]
[OE. despeiren, dispeiren, OF. desperer, fr. L. desperare; de- + sperare to hope; akin to spes hope, and perh. to spatium space, E. space, speed; cf. OF. espeir hope, F. espoir. Cf. Prosper, Desperate.]

To be hopeless; to have no hope; to give up all hope or expectation; -- often with of. "We despaired even of life." 2 Cor. i. 8. "Never despair of God's blessings here." Wake.

Synonyms -- See Despond.Despair (De*spair"), v. t.

1.
To give up as beyond hope or expectation; to despair of. [Obs.] "I would not despair the greatest design that could be attempted." Milton.
2. To cause to despair. [Obs.] Sir W. Williams.Despair (De*spair"), n.
[Cf. OF. despoir, fr. desperer.]

1. Loss of hope; utter hopelessness; complete despondency. "We in dark dreams are tossing to and fro, Pine with regret, or sicken with despair." Keble. "Before he [Bunyan] was ten, his sports were interrupted by fits of remorse and despair." Macaulay.
2. That which is despaired of. "The mere despair of surgery he cures." Shak.

Synonyms -- Desperation; despondency; hopelessness.

Now is the time for review:
1. My daughter and husband talked crap about me all summer long and tore me down as an individual. I was depressed all summer long...
2. My mother in law deemed me unworthy to raise my children and planned for Ariel to go back east to live with strangers.
3. I've never talked to Pam before Ariel went out there, I left that up to Barry.
4. My husband wanted Ariel to leave to Michigan despite my concern that we needed to address the situation.
5. There's the issue of how they wanted Ariel's records.
6. My daughter told some hellish lies about me, that were extremely damaging to me as an individual and also to my repetation. Those lies were supported by every adult who would listen to her. Together she formed what I've concluded was the 'hate my mom club' which consisted of my husband, mother in law, my cousins, all of my daughter's friends, etc... etc... etc... Anyone with commen sense could see that there wasn't any truth to her words.
7. I wasn't allowed to leave the house to go grocery shopping without an escort. I had kids on my hip constantly and everything I did was questioned and I was viewed as a threat.
8. I knew I would always be struggling in my marriage the day my husband sent Ariel out to Michigan, in which I started to make plans to leave him.
9. Nothing had changed with Ariel while she was out at my mother in laws house, it only grew worse. Every time I talked with her she was rude and very snippy with me.
10. I felt I was alone with only the support from a few friends.

The list goes on and on... yet the most damaging to me was the day that I called Pam. I had had enough. Time to stop the snow ball effect and take my life back. As I cried that day, working out in my head the feeling of despair I felt I knew one thing was true... I needed a plan of action. I needed to have a game plan for when my husband came in the door. So the question was... "What did I need to do NOW?"

I called my uncle... I told him that I wanted out and I needed his help. I should have done that before Ariel was sent out. He had to deal with his current situation then he would be over.

Now to think about my future... my problem... despair... my solution... peace. How do I obtain peace.
Facts:
1. I want my daughter back. The feeling of knowing that I have lost a child and can not touch her is a strong sad horrible feeling.
2. I want the constant colaboration with my daughter to stop.

The problem... MY HUSBAND

You may wonder how I came to this conclusion... the only way to feed a fire is to give it fuel. The fire was my daughter, the fuel was him listen to her, agreeing with her, and him confing in her.

With that thought I formed a plan...

Today's Internal Thoughts: The Mother-In-Law

My mother-in-law... YUCK!!!

Need i say more? Seriously, do I need to say more?

The woman doesn't have a clue on her place in my marriage to her son. The competition for my husband's attention has annoyed me considerable over the years but as of late I find it distrubing. I have learned to keep my comments to myself, for it doesn't do me any good. But the more the woman talks to my husband the more she pushes me away. She is one of the main reasons why my marriage is failing. I will give her some credit, she did leave Barry and I alone for several years during our marriage but the first sign of trouble between Barry and I she steps in and takes over... and never leaves. She likes to be control of the situation and of my life. Well, I'm one who likes to control her own life. I don't like people telling me what to do. I didn't become an adult to be treated like a child. :|

Calling Ariel

This may seem petty but it struck me odd... and of course it could all be just me too.

Ariel started her new school on Monday and didn't call me. So on Tuesday, yesterday I called her. But she wasn't home so I left a message on a machine for her to give me a call and let me know how things went.
When my husband came home, some 30 minutes later he mentions that he wanted to call Ariel and procedes to pick up the phone. That's when I told him that I had just called and no one was there and I left a message. We both wanted to hear how her day at school was. No problem there.
Well, a few minutes go by and he goes into the back room with the phone and the phone book. A few minutes later he comes out and tells me that he called his sister's house.
Okay... I give him a curious look "Why? I just told you no one was home and I left a message."
"I wanted to talk [to his sister] about Aaron's medication. We talked about this today." He told me. My memory is much sharper nowadays.
"Ammm... no we didn't. We talked about it 3 or 4 days ago."

I'm slightly annoyed... my thoughts are, he didn't trust me.

Here's the kicker of it all...
Late that night, about 9:30pm, Ariel's time 12:30pm, it hits me I didn't hear from her. So I ask Barry about it. He replies, oh yeah she called, I forgot to tell you.
"What did she say? How did school go for her?"
"Oh she didn't say nothing much, just that she had a test...." the phone rang and he ran off to answer it. I never did hear the rest of what was said between the two of them.

A Mother's Fear

It's very trying for me and I have mixed emotions about Ariel going out to Michigan. I don't like how I'm being treated and my concerns and feelings are being ignored when it comes to her going out there. So I voiced my thoughts to my aunt, telling her about how it played out with Ariel's birth certificate and the school records. She brought up an interesting point. "Could they be trying to aduct Ariel?" My heart sunk. I started to cry... could this be true? I had to act fast if it was, she was to leave in just a few days. I emailed a friend whose wife took his sons away from him. It was a few days before he got my email and he called me immediately. He didn't know the whole story, only that there were issues in my marriage. He knew of none of the initmate details of all that had transpired over the course of a year. He asked me many questions... thought for a few minutes and then said... "It sounds like they are trying to aduct your daughter." He even suggested to not let Ariel go out and to come home and he predicted in a few months she and I would be on better ground... only thing was get rid of the husband. It appeared to him that the husband was the main supporter of the chaos and by confying in a youth and giving her what she wanted he was the source of all the issues, not my daughter. (This will have to be another blog entry... too much to go into detail on that subject)

So... now a decision had to be made. To let my daughter go (in my counsin's words ~ suck it up) or to keep her (cousin's words ~ or leave).

The Process of Ariel Leaving To Michigan

The decision of my mother in law was to ship my daughter out to Michigan to live with my husband's sister. Okay... the thought is a good one, Ariel would learn that life has rules no matter where you go. But after having to deal with the mother-in-law I started to wonder what their intentions exactly were?

So, I asked... why is [Barry's sister] taking Ariel?

REPLY: Because she knows how to handle girls. (True, the woman has 4 girls, two of which are out of the house, and one is Ariel's age) {MY THOUGHTS: She knows what's doing and you believe that I don't.}

What did you say to make [Barry's sister] want to take on Ariel and her issues?
REPLY: Oh nothing... I just told her that Ariel is a good kid. {MY THOUGHTS: This is a half truth, she may have said this but that's not all that was discussed.}

Is that it? Is that all you said for [Barry's sister] to take Ariel?
REPLY: yes. {Okay that's a lie or [Barry's sister] is an idiot. More had to have been said that they don't want me to know about.} NOTE: I asked Barry's sister in law, who too said she would take Ariel, and she didn't say. She intentional avoided the question.

Okay that whole thing seemed fishy to me, but I kind of sat on it for the time.

Then came buying a plane ticket. Apparently I wasn't doing a good enough job so [Barry's sister]took over and found perfect tickets. I'm slightly irritated but nothing that a good night sleep won't cure. {MY THOUGHTS: Again, I'm not good enough}
Then came the conversation of the Birth Certificate...
"I need Ariel's birth certificate" Mother-in-law claims.
"Why?" I ask...
"For her to board the airplane."
"Then I'll make sure she has it when she boards."
"Well it needs to be an official one, not one from the hosiptal." {MY THOUGHTS: DUH!!!!} "Does she have one?"
"When the time comes it'll be taken care of." I reply.
"Oh okay." {MY THOUGHTS: I silenced her... yeah *smiles evil grin*}
When my husband gets home mother-in-law calls again... and questions him about the birth cert. Which in turn he looks to me for answers. "I've already been through this with her before." I told him.
"Just tell me so I can get her to back off. Is it an official one or not" (Okay this isn't his exact wording but it's the just of it)
"When the time comes it'll be taken care of." I reply coldly.
He then says, "She just wants to make sure it's not from the hosipital."
I repeat myself "When the time comes it'll be take care of."
He repeats my words to his mother slightly annoyed with me.
When he gets off the phone I ask him, "So in all of our marriage have I ever not done what I say I'm going to do?"
He thought for a moment then replied, "No."
"Then why worry about it if I say it'll happen then it'll happen." I then turned away from him annoyed that neither one of them trusted me. Now... just to make things known later that night I told him that the hospital certificate is no good, it's just for looks. And I understand his mother's concerns but I had both and there was no need to stress over it. Maybe I was in the wrong for keeping the info back from her, but I just don't see why she needed to make sure. Tell me and let me deal with the situation. I had it covered, there was really no situation to deal with in my eyes but her insisting on asking about the birth cert. Which stopped that night I told my husband the truth. {MY THOUGHTS: Coincidence? I think not}

So we move onto the next situation dealing with Ariel leaving...
Barry talks to his sister and they need the following: SS#, Birth Cert, Paper saying that [Barry's sister] has guardianship over Ariel, and vaccination record and her school records.
First Barry tells me of the list... okay no problem.
Next day Barry's mother calls me and tells me. I explained to her that the school records are normally not given out for public access, schools only give them to other schools. But I told her I would check into it, give me an hour. I was busy working at the moment. I did check into it but I hadn't gotten right back to her. Exactly an hour after our first conversation she called me. I told her that I was right, when Ariel is signed up in school back there that school will get ahold of Ariel's current school and her current school will immediately fax that information over all they needed was the school name and address and phone and fax numbers... how do I know this... the lady at Ariel's current school who is in charge of student records is a close friend of mine and I watch her kids 5 days a week. So hey... I know without a shadow of doubt that I'm right about this... it's what I was told by my friend.
Day after that... Barry gives me the list again and says two things. His sister called him at work and she needed the orginal Birth Certificate and Ariel's school records.
"First all... they might get a copy of the BC, but they aren't getting the orginal one. Secondly... who did you talk to about this?"
"My sister."
Okay I gave a funny look... "She called you at work?"
"Well, no. My mom called me at work with the list, she apparently got it from my sister."
{MY THOUGHTS: okay wasn't that just a lie then? Did he not just lie to me? Why would he lie to me?}
I'm slightly annoyed...
Later that night... Mother-in-law called Barry and asked him about the list. He turned to me. *smiles evil grin* "When the time comes it'll be dealt with." I told him to tell her. He did so, talks a little more with her and hangs up and then tells me that the letter of guardianship needs to be notarized.

{MY THOUGHTS: This is strange, and very persistant and I feeling a little uneasy over the situation.}

Why Not Me?

As I look back over the situation going on in my life dealing with my husband I have to ask the question, why not me? Yeah you read right, 'why not me?' instead of 'why me?'. I accept that bad things happen to people, it's what makes us stronger as individuals, so I'll never ask that question.
My question stems from why didn't my husband talk to me and instead confided in our daughter. Why did he not ask me if I had an affair on him, if I had a boyfriend? Why did he trust her and not me? Why did he spend more time with her and not me? Why did he not try to win me back over if he thought I was cheating on him? Why did he talk more with a 13 year old child and not me?

Time Line

Okay... I have to write this down. I keep hashing it out in my mind and with friends who I have talked to over the years.

Oct 2002
Ariel, the daughter, does an endurance race. I want to join her the following year so I make plans to get in shape to do so.

Sept 2003
I found out I was pregnant with Adam.

May 2004
Adam is born.

July 2004
Went to Disneyland

Aug-Sept 2004
Started working out again

Oct 2004
Ariel gets into trouble

Nov 2004
Start selling on ebay.

Before Feb 2005
I complained to a friend that Barry is ignoring me. We're having issues in our marriage. She started to give advice on how to deal with it and help us.

March 2005
Joined the reading forum online. Was the last time I had sex with my husband.

May 2005
Started to chat on MSN during my lunch hour while the kids were asleep.

June 2005
Things had grown worse with Barry and I told him that I wanted him to go to his mom's one weekend a month to give us a break.

July 2005
He had told his whole family we were getting a divorce and started to prepare to leave me.
He also told Ariel that we were seperating.
He then lied to me about both and I told him he was to sleep out of our room. He was no longer welcome in my bed.

August 2005
We got into a huge fight... he left... Ariel ran away...
I took him back a few weeks later...
Ariel was sent out to live with Barry's mother.

Sept 2005
They shipped Ariel out to Michigan to live for the school year.


During the summer months, Barry and Ariel did almost everything together. I was excluded totally. I turned more to the computer for my comfort. Some people it's food, some it's working out... it was the comp for me.

Alone

Have you ever wondered while going through a difficult time in life if you were the only one? How about the feeling that no one understands you and no one is helping you? Maybe they're working against you? Seems kind of childish to me, almost like high school stuff, right?
Lately, I've had these feelings of lonliness and despair. Often times thinking that I'm going crazy trying to sort out all that's going on around me. I have even wondered if I'm over exggerrating all that's going on and I need to calm down and set back, take in the holistic point of view.
Well, if there's one thing that's true about me it's the fact that I'm patienct. If I'm upset then something is going on. I have nerves of steel (most of the time, lets face it, some things just get to me) and my family, cousins and friends, know this about me. So, if I start to complain it means it's been on my mind for some time before that, I'm talking months before hand, and there's an issue!
I had to stop and ask a friend the other day if I was going insane, am I right to feel the way I do about the new situation in life... her reply "Hope, your surrounded by stupidness. It's not you."
HHHHAAAAAA... it's not just me who sees the stupid idiotic things going on in my life!!!!!