Does The Spirit Know Abuse?

I've had a few days to think about this and come to the conclusion that the spirit is what is taking care of me. I was talking to one of the ladies at work about the situation between Ariel and Barry. One of the things that has always bother me about the end of my marriage is the relationship between my husband and daughter. It was more like they were dating, like when Barry and I were dating before our marriage. He would take her shopping, to the movies, out to eat and they would tell each other everything. Never was I included on any of this. I was treated as an outsider... the enemy.

Anyways, back to the lady at work. I told her about this and her reply was "That's child abuse."

It is?

Now I was aware it was a unhealthy relationship. It was extremely immature on his part, but is it really child abuse? She talked to me a bit about it and convinced me it was. I still don't quiet understand the whole thing but I do know that it was the spirit that was guiding me to move the two away from each other. The spirit was unsettled and it tore at my soul to have the relationship continue the way it was.

When I was able to seperate the two of them my life started to take hold. I felt it was the right thing to do on all accounts. The contention in the house almost vanished instantly. I still had issues with Ariel but nothing like I had. It was as if Barry had inabled her to do wrong things. I know he let her out at night and lied to me about it on many different occasions.

As I look back on the situation I have become painfully aware that the spirit was telling me that things weren't right. And now as my life is starting over I feel so much better. I have never experienced such a struggle in my spirit as I did for those very long months during the summer of 2005.

My coworker has said that it looked like divorce was good for me... It is... but it's even better for my spirit. :)

Should I Take Him Back?

I had come to the conclusion that my marriage was long over way before I knew it. It was late last year when I realized it and now I'm moving on. I have a new job, new set of friends, and will be moving in the next few months. My life is now changing into something I enjoy living once again.

There always seems to be a monkey wrench thrown into the mix of things to make me stumble.

What could it be?

I called the soon to be 'ex' and told him that by the middle of April I would be putting our separation on paper and filing for divorce and I wanted him to decided if he still wanted to keep visitation the way it was or decrease it since I was moving and it meant more travel time for him.

His reply...

"I've been thinking, we should get back together."



Is this something I want?

Well...

No.

And I told him that tonight...

"I will never live the way I have this last year."

"I understand that. But I would like to take you to dinner and apologize."

"When I calm down from being so angry with you I might think about it." (okay I'm ignoring the thought of 'you bastard, why aren't you apologizing to me every day with fresh flowers ~ that is the way to my heart ~ calling me as if we are dating, bending over backwards to help me instead of being so anal about needing a extra day without the kids, etc... etc... etc...' Oh yeah, I could have ripped him a new one, but kept it simple. Assholes only do one thing... shit.)

And this is why I can't do it...

I gave him a second chance and he stabbed me in the back, not once, not twice but over and over. Until one day, I put my foot down and I said no more. I yelled that day. I hate yelling. I hate being that upset. But I was done being treated like crap, shit, below human standards, not good enough to be dirt. Mental abuse is harsh!

I won't go into all that was done to me but I was hurting, extremely depressed and it has taken me until now to creep out of that and get back to normal. I feel really good about myself and all that I'm doing. I am doing the right thing.

I don't want to take him back. I will never love because of him. I even told him that tonight. I told him that because of him I would never love again because love isn't real for me. Never has, never will. I don't even know what he could do that I would even consider the thought. Right now, there is nothing...

There is only so much hurt a person can endure through and am I fool enough to hurt again. NO!

Am I Really Almost There?

Recently, a friend told me I was almost there. And I replied, "But I can't see it. How long do you think I have, years?"

He replied, "No, it's just a matter of months now."

"I don't see that at all. I don't see it being just months away but rather a good year."

And here I am today, to tell him he is right. It is just now months away before my life might starts to settling down.

I have been on one hell of a roller coaster for well over a year now, many of you know what I have been through, many of you can only guess, many of you don't care (and for those who don't, I don't blame you, I wish I didn't care either. ;) )

It was well over a year ago when a small rumor about me caught hold in my family. I thought I had resolved the issue, but I hadn't and this lie grew. It grew so bad that by March of 2005 my ex stopped touching me, by August, after I tried to desperately fix the issues, he left and by the end of October it became a permanent situation.

I do not know if his intentions were meant to harm me or not but when he left he took half my business with him and for the last few months I have been struggling on bread crumbs to survive.

Well...

Two things the man did not know about me after a 11 year relationship.

One I am a survivor!

And two I believe in me!

Over the months I have felt like a baby, rediscovering who I am... asking those really hard questions of myself.

What was it I could have done to change the outcome of my life at this point?

What did I do wrong?

Who am I?

Where am I going?

What do I want?

Am I ready to be single?

And more....

I have learned that Im a very passionate person.

I also know I am not ready for any kind of a relationship at all. In fact, I'm really down on the idea of 'love' in general.

I have also learned that it's okay to tell other's my problems because someone might have some bit of information or advice that can (and HAS) help me.

So here I am today...

A different woman then I was many months ago but I am still me.

Why am I writing this long post???

Because for the last few months I have been in a very dark cave, wondering around searching my way through. I decided it was now time for action and so I moved forward until I felt a wall. I didn't see light, and today...

I see a small glimpse of it. A very small glimpse of it.

I sent out resumes on Friday, my second batch this month and hadn't heard from anyone until today when I was asked to come in for an interview. After a 2 hour drive (I'll explain more of why it was so long in just a bit) I arrived 20 minutes late. Not a good start!

The interview went well, I answered the questions perfectly. At the end of the interview, the lady said, "As far as I'm concern, you're hired and can start on Wednesday."

I almost hugged and kissed the lady I was so happy, but I smiled and said, "Thank you so much."

That was a huge step for me... and I sit now in tears, happy that I can see the light at the end of this very dark cave.

But I still have to inch my way forward, it'll be extremely tough between now and when my first pay check comes in, but I am happy, I'll have one soon. :)

But a job is only the first part of my plan... moving is the second one. And that should be easy now that I have a job with a steady income (I feel like I'm counting my chickens before they are hatched, but I really do have the job, they really want me!!! :D )

Because I am moving, which is an hour and half away from here I choose to find a job in that area, which I did today. The commute, until I move will be a two hour drive one way. It'll be okay... It'll put a lot of distance between me and ex and this is what I want and have always planned to do.

I will need to leave my house at 6 in the morning and I won't get home until 6 at night... doesn't leave much time for my kids, the house, paying bills, and tending to life in general.

So, as my life is changing... In a good way. :)

The Abyss

I have discovered the dark feelings of the abyss, which have toyed in my life lately. Well for the last few weeks. It hit me rather hard yesterday when the ex announced that we would never get back together. Even though it’s a sigh of relief for me, I still can’t help but feel that hint of rejection. In reflection of the ten-year marriage, I can see that the marriage ended years prior and it was I who was lingering in it blindly. When I entered into my own abyss I did so out of anger. The fact that I was ignored and then accused of things that are against my very nature, then suppressed into what he deemed worthy as a wife, I can honestly say I’m glad I stepped forward. I’m glad I found my anger and let it swell and then let it out in one final battle. I’m glad I am working my way through the abyss. It is a very lonely feeling and one of self-discovery. *smiles completive* I know more about myself right now, then I did a year ago.

I can honestly say that I’m enjoying my abyss, even though I have confusing feelings of stress, loneliness and bitterness stirring deep inside me, I know they are only temporary. My joy stems from knowing that I am free now. Free to go shopping and buy a bra without having to explain why I need it. Free to go swimming because I enjoy it. Free to talk to men and flirt and know nothing will come of it. Free to write without being interrupted. Free to read without being called names. Free to visit my family without being questioned on why. I am free of from being suppressed, free from being mentally tormented. I suppose every marriage has it’s abuse, one way or another and I have to say I actually wish I had a physically abusive marriage. I am not trying to make light of abuse, and I’m sorry if I offend anyone by mentioning this. But I had seen my mother abused when I was younger and knew I would never want to be hit. I had often wished he had hit me so my reasons for leaving would have been accepted by the strong Christian community that I live in. Now I hear and have suffered through remarks, as “Suck it up, it’s not that bad” or “What’s wrong with him? He’s a good man.” Or “You either shut up and put up or you move on. For me I shut up, I think you should do the same.” All very narrow-minded comments and all entrapping me as a woman into being unhappy and dwelling in an existence that is unhealthy for my family and I.

My 14 year old recognizes the signs of abuse that were in our home and for a time used them to gain an advantage to get what she wanted. Now she questions me and knows my pain when she sees tears swelling in my eyes. Last night she saw those tears as the abyss started to surround me once more and question if it was ‘dad’. I couldn’t tell her the truth and condemn him to her. She loves and adores him and that’s the way it should be. I simply told her that it’s all a bit overwhelming and the strong urge to move is starting to creep slowly into my thoughts. The community I live in has condemned my actions and I am starting to feel the financial backlash of their gossip. It stings. But I am not one to sit back and enjoy the ride. I am one who creates the ride. I am a planner and a thinker… a mover and a shaker… as my mom always told me “time to get back up on that horse and teach it whose boss.” *Sighs* she’s right.

Is There Life After Divorce?

I've been living on my own, away from "him" for a good month now. I had intentions of leaving prior to that, but things didn't work out the way I wanted. It's nice living without the stress, and I have good friends who have noted that I look back to my normal carefree self. I knew I was depressed before, a feeling I have never wanted to experience in my life, so it was time for action. But to take that step and actually leave was a difficult one, one that takes a strong amount of courage.

Being on your own with responsibilities is difficult and then, what I have come to call 'mini' battles, begin. They don't make it any easier. But I have learned to not say a word, but listen. Often times, the best way to kill a fire isn't to feed it. Trust me when I say, that is a challenge for me to stay quiet. I'm not one to sit back and snap out a sarcastic remark when I feel the urge.

One thing is foresure in all of this. I'm HAPPY. I mean it, I'm really happy! When I see 'him' I feel all knotted up inside and sick to my stomach, which makes it very clear to me that I'm better off without 'him'. I could rant and rave about the turmoil I have felt during this last year. I could even explain to you the reason why our marriage ended. But those are long sad stories that add no real value to anyone's life other than having said everything out in the open. And I'm not one to air out the dirty laundry. Besides that... My motto in life is that life is meant to be enjoyed. And how can I do that if I'm stewing over unhappy times. I'm past those moments now.

Which brings me to my point of this blog...

Is there life after divorce? God I hope so!

As I lay in my bed, alone. I wonder what it would be like. I remember being single 11 years ago. I dated, and hated it! So I questioned myself, why? Why was dating so horrible back then? Because it wasn't fun. I was young and weak. Now I'm older, a little wiser, and feeling much braver nowadays, I know that I want to have fun. I want to travel. I want to explore. I want to take pictures of people smiling and enjoying themselves. I want to be my carefree self again (I won't forget I have responsibilities ~ so not too carefree).

But I still can't help but wonder, is it possible to have life after divorce? Or am I fooling myself with my wild imagination yet again?