My Life And Thoughts

I haven't seen my family since before the 4th of July. I was suppose to visit them on the holiday but choose not too. My family is... Stressful. And with my blood pressure out of control I feared what I would do to them... Or what they would do to me. So I opted to stay with my dad and take the day easy.

In a way I feel bad... But I feel more relieved that I didn't go.

I feel bad for my uncle David, whose wish was to be surrounded by his family during his struggle for liver cancer. I see him all the time but I don't see his twin brother or my cousins. Even my older brother was there. But I was not.

In a way, I don't feel the need to see my Uncle David struggle with his cancer. I actually feel the need to stay away. I love the man very much. And I can hear people tell me that if you love him then visit him, show him that you love him. But I don't want to remember such a vibrant man in such a manner.

I also can't help but feel that my feelings are some what tainted by what he did to my mother during her last days. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer... Then diagnosed terminal. David never visited her. He didn't even go to the funeral. I don't hold hard feelings against him for that. I'm actually finding common ground with him. I don't want to see him die... Slowly. I want to see him alive and well. I want to remember him that way.

Yet, this has nothing to do with my undesire to visit him on the 4th. That actually had to do with my other Uncle, Fred who brought his wife, a woman who hates my mother. As I mentioned above my brother was there too, as sour as he could be. Then there were my cousins, Pete and his wife and kids and also Judy, with her oldest daughter.

Uncle Fred and Joyce are a class act. I don't love nor do I hate my uncle. I stand on neutral ground with him. I feel that I have many harsh feelings concerning him but because he is my uncle I feel a connection to him that involves love. But I can take or leave the man. He loves a woman, and to this is his downfall with me, that hates my mother and was always stirring up contention with my family. I remember once after my mother had passed away, I was walking with her talking to her about David. She told me that David had approached Fred telling "now that Dorothy is dead we should get together for breakfast." Looking at the comment now I can see my uncle saying this, trying to keep close ties with his brother. But when Joyce told me this she made it sound as if David was glad that my mother was dead. She added comments to confirm that feeling I first had when I was told. It hurt so badly that David would say such a thing, I choose to stay away from the man for sometime. This is what Joyce wanted. Now, much wiser I see that...

I stay clear of the two and am thankful that they don't even live on the same coast as I do. :)

Then there was Howard, my older brother. The first thing he said to me when I saw him on July 2nd was "Don't you know how to answer your phone?"

Well hello, good to see you too! Asshole.

I explained to him that I don't get service up in the mountains and that was the end of our conversation. I never talked to him again. I didn't want to.

Last time I spoke to Pete and Ericka (his wife) they were very angry with me and no matter how I explained the issue it never relieved his anger for what happen. I had to step back from that realizing that the situation wouldn't get any better.

So my family is filled with hate and spite. My uncle David and his family aren't. And I should have gone to see him on his birthday but I couldn't bring myself to face the rest of the family. I need the rest... The lack of tension... I need to take care of myself first. No one is going to help me but me. And if I'm not around then my kids have no one.

That bothers me greatly.