I Dreamt Of Him Last Night

I have learned through the years to value my dreams for they speak loudly to me when I listen. Often times its trying to figure out what is being said that makes it fun. Well... last night I dreamt of him. I hadn't dreamt of my exhusband once since before we seperated so I wondered why I would dream of 'him'. 'Him' being my dad.

This week was full... and I have learned that abuse for me is long lived, my whole life. But I have the opition to stop it at anytime now that I'm older. I can walk away. I often wonder why I rationalize staying for as long as I do...

This time was different. I had already decided to leave my dad's house, where I was staying at, when he first called my son a 'shithead'. That Aaron is not. He has his issues of learning disablities, but the child is extremely intelligent. The way he goes about life is different then what I or someone else who fits the norm would do. Does that make him a 'shithead'? I think not. He's perfect, growing and maturing as a normal boy with his issues can. And I love my son.

It was the second time when my dad called him an 'asshole' was when I finally said enough was enough. How can a ten year old be an asshole? Aaron is a very compassionate person, very loving and smart. I had told my dad the first time to never call my kids names. The second time, this time, I said it again, more firmer, more angier hoping to get my point across.

"Don't tell me what to do!" He snapped back at me...

"Then stop calling them names." I would not back down from this. I don't call my kids names... NO ONE ELSE WILL EITHER!!!!

This is when he started in on me. He attacked me verbally, tearing me apart. Letting me know I'm a dilusional person living in a fantasy world. I'm not a parent but a friend to my kids. I'm lazy and fat. I need to look in the mirror and see what's wrong with me because no one wants to be around me.... and so on and so on.

"I'll be up on Saturday morning to gather my stuff." I told him later that night as I collected a few things so I didn't have to stay there anymore, nor my kids.

"I want you out now."

Now what kind of man would throw out his daughter and grandchildren? What hideous thing could I have done wrong to deserve such treatment? Stopping him from calling my kids names? Shame on me...

So why would I dream of him?

I remember in the dream fighting with him telling him I didn't want the name calling to continue and he told me that he would do as he please. I thought silently to myself of how I only had to endure a little while longer...

These were my thoughts prior to the arguement I actually had with my dad...

I concluded that my dream was my guilt for trying to think it would workout, for making my children suffer through the negative feelings, the contention, the abuse. I know this about abuse... It doesn't stop, even verbal abuse will continue. I should have never stayed the first time it happen. I should have left the first time and never looked back.

So what does one do to help relieve the guilty feelings? Buy ice cream and share it with kids... making sure that their portions are bigger than mine!