The Feeling of Despair

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http://www.selfknowledge.com/25368.htm
Despair means...

Dictionary Information: Definition Despair
Thesaurus: Despair
Description and Meaning: Despair
Despair (De*spair") (?), v. i.
[imp. & p. p. Despaired (?); p. pr. & vb. n. Despairing.]
[OE. despeiren, dispeiren, OF. desperer, fr. L. desperare; de- + sperare to hope; akin to spes hope, and perh. to spatium space, E. space, speed; cf. OF. espeir hope, F. espoir. Cf. Prosper, Desperate.]

To be hopeless; to have no hope; to give up all hope or expectation; -- often with of. "We despaired even of life." 2 Cor. i. 8. "Never despair of God's blessings here." Wake.

Synonyms -- See Despond.Despair (De*spair"), v. t.

1.
To give up as beyond hope or expectation; to despair of. [Obs.] "I would not despair the greatest design that could be attempted." Milton.
2. To cause to despair. [Obs.] Sir W. Williams.Despair (De*spair"), n.
[Cf. OF. despoir, fr. desperer.]

1. Loss of hope; utter hopelessness; complete despondency. "We in dark dreams are tossing to and fro, Pine with regret, or sicken with despair." Keble. "Before he [Bunyan] was ten, his sports were interrupted by fits of remorse and despair." Macaulay.
2. That which is despaired of. "The mere despair of surgery he cures." Shak.

Synonyms -- Desperation; despondency; hopelessness.

Now is the time for review:
1. My daughter and husband talked crap about me all summer long and tore me down as an individual. I was depressed all summer long...
2. My mother in law deemed me unworthy to raise my children and planned for Ariel to go back east to live with strangers.
3. I've never talked to Pam before Ariel went out there, I left that up to Barry.
4. My husband wanted Ariel to leave to Michigan despite my concern that we needed to address the situation.
5. There's the issue of how they wanted Ariel's records.
6. My daughter told some hellish lies about me, that were extremely damaging to me as an individual and also to my repetation. Those lies were supported by every adult who would listen to her. Together she formed what I've concluded was the 'hate my mom club' which consisted of my husband, mother in law, my cousins, all of my daughter's friends, etc... etc... etc... Anyone with commen sense could see that there wasn't any truth to her words.
7. I wasn't allowed to leave the house to go grocery shopping without an escort. I had kids on my hip constantly and everything I did was questioned and I was viewed as a threat.
8. I knew I would always be struggling in my marriage the day my husband sent Ariel out to Michigan, in which I started to make plans to leave him.
9. Nothing had changed with Ariel while she was out at my mother in laws house, it only grew worse. Every time I talked with her she was rude and very snippy with me.
10. I felt I was alone with only the support from a few friends.

The list goes on and on... yet the most damaging to me was the day that I called Pam. I had had enough. Time to stop the snow ball effect and take my life back. As I cried that day, working out in my head the feeling of despair I felt I knew one thing was true... I needed a plan of action. I needed to have a game plan for when my husband came in the door. So the question was... "What did I need to do NOW?"

I called my uncle... I told him that I wanted out and I needed his help. I should have done that before Ariel was sent out. He had to deal with his current situation then he would be over.

Now to think about my future... my problem... despair... my solution... peace. How do I obtain peace.
Facts:
1. I want my daughter back. The feeling of knowing that I have lost a child and can not touch her is a strong sad horrible feeling.
2. I want the constant colaboration with my daughter to stop.

The problem... MY HUSBAND

You may wonder how I came to this conclusion... the only way to feed a fire is to give it fuel. The fire was my daughter, the fuel was him listen to her, agreeing with her, and him confing in her.

With that thought I formed a plan...