The Abyss

I have discovered the dark feelings of the abyss, which have toyed in my life lately. Well for the last few weeks. It hit me rather hard yesterday when the ex announced that we would never get back together. Even though it’s a sigh of relief for me, I still can’t help but feel that hint of rejection. In reflection of the ten-year marriage, I can see that the marriage ended years prior and it was I who was lingering in it blindly. When I entered into my own abyss I did so out of anger. The fact that I was ignored and then accused of things that are against my very nature, then suppressed into what he deemed worthy as a wife, I can honestly say I’m glad I stepped forward. I’m glad I found my anger and let it swell and then let it out in one final battle. I’m glad I am working my way through the abyss. It is a very lonely feeling and one of self-discovery. *smiles completive* I know more about myself right now, then I did a year ago.

I can honestly say that I’m enjoying my abyss, even though I have confusing feelings of stress, loneliness and bitterness stirring deep inside me, I know they are only temporary. My joy stems from knowing that I am free now. Free to go shopping and buy a bra without having to explain why I need it. Free to go swimming because I enjoy it. Free to talk to men and flirt and know nothing will come of it. Free to write without being interrupted. Free to read without being called names. Free to visit my family without being questioned on why. I am free of from being suppressed, free from being mentally tormented. I suppose every marriage has it’s abuse, one way or another and I have to say I actually wish I had a physically abusive marriage. I am not trying to make light of abuse, and I’m sorry if I offend anyone by mentioning this. But I had seen my mother abused when I was younger and knew I would never want to be hit. I had often wished he had hit me so my reasons for leaving would have been accepted by the strong Christian community that I live in. Now I hear and have suffered through remarks, as “Suck it up, it’s not that bad” or “What’s wrong with him? He’s a good man.” Or “You either shut up and put up or you move on. For me I shut up, I think you should do the same.” All very narrow-minded comments and all entrapping me as a woman into being unhappy and dwelling in an existence that is unhealthy for my family and I.

My 14 year old recognizes the signs of abuse that were in our home and for a time used them to gain an advantage to get what she wanted. Now she questions me and knows my pain when she sees tears swelling in my eyes. Last night she saw those tears as the abyss started to surround me once more and question if it was ‘dad’. I couldn’t tell her the truth and condemn him to her. She loves and adores him and that’s the way it should be. I simply told her that it’s all a bit overwhelming and the strong urge to move is starting to creep slowly into my thoughts. The community I live in has condemned my actions and I am starting to feel the financial backlash of their gossip. It stings. But I am not one to sit back and enjoy the ride. I am one who creates the ride. I am a planner and a thinker… a mover and a shaker… as my mom always told me “time to get back up on that horse and teach it whose boss.” *Sighs* she’s right.